my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
