I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
