so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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