Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
