had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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