I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize