Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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