Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
