Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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