Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
