I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
there's paper in my vomit.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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