i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
