Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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