my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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