I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
