If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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