the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
