Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
