You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
