Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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