you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize