I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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