This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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