but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
