I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
