Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
