I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
