this just has baby written all over it
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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