2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
