my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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