I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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