Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
