my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
