I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
