Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
