His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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