It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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