Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
