Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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