I just saw a hot homeless man
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
