Her vagina should come with caution tape.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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