Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
