im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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