Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I need to stop coming to work sober
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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