I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
