I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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