is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
there is glitter all over my balls
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