This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
