smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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