he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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