Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize