You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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