I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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