did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
