Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
