We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize