Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
