I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
