I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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